Chapter Next.

As many of you know, I've been in limbo.  For over a year.  Doing stuff, not necessarily sitting on my ass, drinking beer, watching tv all day long.  Actually, I have drank a lot of beer, sat on the couch lots, and watch a lot of tv.  However, it's usually an occassional out somewhere to drink some beers with friends a few days a week;  usually DVR of Comedy Central Presents, Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs or maybe some Modern Marvels.  Yes, I stiill watch the technically-swayed shows; maybe it's because that's what I know.  I'm not much for the drama, reality, the Oprah or Ellen, or Montel, or the whos-yo-daddy society degrading shows.  And actually, as of late, it's the drug induced cartoons of Adult Swim, specifically Robot Chicken and Aquateen Hungerforce. And the always entertaining, "Stupid Monkey."  (If you do watch Robot Chicken, you know you absolutely look forward to Stupid Monkey just as I do).   I digress.

And I do sit on the couch.  More often than not, however, it's after a bike ride of usually significant amounts of consistent exertion of effort to make a bike go forward.  Yesterday's venture consisted of almost 40 miles, 2.5 hours of ride time (not counting breaks) in 95 degree weather, give or take a few degrees.  I would have probably plopped down on the couch afterwards, but my friend taunted me with heading somewhere to drink some beers; and hear some good live music.  So, I did.  No couch yesterday.

For the last year, less the most recent month, I've enjoyed the heck out of things.  I took some savings, and made the decision to take some time off from trying to be productive, trying the same thing with the expectation of something different (definition of insanity), with the expectation of maybe finding, discovering, and changing enough to make the difference in the next-go-around.

I must say, I think I've learned a lot about myself.  I took the risk to find the truth about me; what made me happy, what didn't; try and realize a fault or two, and do what I could do about them; discover the things that I sacrifice that I shouldn't have, and learn how to not sacrifice them next time.  No more pushover. No more yes man no matter what.  More Confident.  More assertive. Or maybe I just needed to grow up More.

The last month has reminded me, and in some cases, returned my mind back to Hell, or said another way, life.  Well, maybe my previous life.   It has reminded me because I am starting to have to make decisions that I have been able to avoid for awhile; namely, employement and financial.

My roommate works in the industry to which I swore I would not return.  He reminds me occassionally of the things that he experiences that I absolutely came to hate.  Stupidity and total disregard for the reasonable.  The unlogical.  The wholly unrealistic.  The blatent disrespect for honesty.  The you-will-do-this-because-I-have-power-over-you-and-you-can't-do-a-fu*#ing-thing-about-it mentality. 

I might have to bite my tongue.  I might have to go back.  And maybe test the waters.  Go back to the work, the specific type of work that I never thought I would even consider again.  I got a call this morning about a potential job opportunity.  We'll see.  I wasn't pissed immediately. It wasn't an immediate kick to the head. And I'd be stupid to not consider the oppurtnity strictly based on my past, and the person I used to be.

There are some things to consider. 

First, my neighbor J got me talking this morning, and I blurted out, "doesn't really matter what I do, it's the people I work with that does it for me." True. If the people fit me well enough, then I enjoy it.  Just back me up, don't hang me out to dry, teach me a little, let me run with it.  Respect me and I'll respect you.  So, the possiblity of success, or rather, not total failure from the getgo, is possible.  That should be determined early on.

Second, I've had a year to analyze what went wrong.  I feel that I have learned something, and maybe a bit more.  I've learned, largely, that I've been walked on, or rather have allowed the walking to happen.  I've even provided the shoes, and in some cases, cleats.  I assumed that people wouldn't do that.  No longer.  I've been thinking and working and training and learning to be more assertive, more proactive.  Yeah, I'll come work for you, but what do I get from it?   How much do I make now? (I used to tell them.)  Now, How much does the position pay?  You tell me that, and I'll decide if I want to help you.  Oh, and you require overtime?  Great. Pay me for it.  Let's talk about that and decide some of those things up front.  Let's make some expectations. And I'll write them down, and you write them down too, and let's make us both accountable.  That way when crunch time comes, we both agree and we both win.

Third, I'm gonna have to start again working anyway, doing something at least, or stop spending money.  Actually, wasting money.  Lots.  Exactly the reason, or a big one, maybe, why I'm divorced.  Now that I'm having to make decisions again, financial ones anyway, there's a new appreciation for what I have not every paid attention to, because frankly, I just never had to.  There's a bit of different motivation.  See if I can put to use what I have learned with money coming in.

So thus begins another Chapter.  The next one.  The first chance to see if I learned anything, see if what I think I can do, the different attitude, is possible.  Real world testing.  It may be time.  If it happens. 

Dont fret, though; they know about my commitments for road trip.  And I will not sacrifice that for anyone.

Maybe I've finally grown some.  Maybe I will make it mine just a little bit, just enough this time to not kneejerk.  Maybe I won't have the same reactions.  Or the same mind-job bullshit to make me screw the working world.  Hopefully my proactiveness will fight off the world.  Or at least the next Hugh.

We'll see.