#1 in the front, #2 in the back.

Heh.

Warning:  This one is chocked full.  Read at your own peril.

Seriously.

My neighbor J was over yesterday, and had her beloved dog in tow, just like always.  She has become a great friend, and we have learned a lot about friendships and life in general in the last few months.  I have decided that unique is not just a better, more respectful word for my friend J than weird, although weird is just as accurate as an adjective; they both apply.

Tonight, for example, she came over with a conglomeration of stuffs, and started to ransack the freezer for whatever frozen vegetables were hiding out and were calling out to her to throw into the pot.  You would have to understand our relationship to understand why this is behavior not just totally fine with me, but, in part, is just the weird unexpected unpredictable side of J.

Ok, so back to yesterday.  It had been an ok day, then I heard the knock on the door.  Except I didn't hear it as a knock, I just heard it as a sound, and before I could investigate, my cell rang.  "Are you awake?"  "Yes, I'm awake, it's 11 o'clock.  Where are you?"  "At your front door."  Once again, normal for her and totally acceptable for me. 

I open the door, and in comes J with her dog.  She (the dog) knows my house, my roommate, where her impromptu water dish is by the trash in the kitchen, and is just mostly comfortable in my house most of the time. On this afternoon, she began to wimper, and on the chance that she had to go to the bathroom again (I learned she just peed in the front yard before entering the house), the back patio door was opened, and she instantly went outside and proceeded to crap in my backyard. 

J:  "I guess she goes #1 in the front and #2 in the back."

Humans do that.  So do dogs.  And cats. And lots of other things.  And there's not a damn thing we can do about it.  Piss comes out the front and crap comes out the back.  We cannot stop it. 

I've been implementing some things I've blogged about in past posts in my everyday life: communicating better; becoming more aware; risking more truth; risking honesty.  I've implemented some of these items for a pretty good amount of time, and some are beginning to pay off, or at least they appear that way.

A recent event gave me the opportunity to evaluate the next big chunk of whatever that is probably most pressing, but not particularly so, if that makes any sense.  It's not a crisis. It kind of feels more like a oil change, check the fluids, evaluate if it needs a tune up, you know, just a general preventative maintenance type of event.

I didn't really know how the decision to wait at least from about this time, to a time in about a year, give or take, before committing to the next relationship of exclusivity would affect things right off.  I.e., single for a year, buddy.  This idea evidently came out of me over beers one night, and everyone knows that sometimes you speak the truth under beers; I didn't remember uttering something resembling a 'maybe I should take a year off from relationships...' but someone called me on it, and after considering it, it felt like a good time to give it a try.

I got caught off guard about a week ago when someone asked me why. I risked my thoughts, the truth, the raw thoughts with this person over a period of a day or so, with good back-and-fourth non judgemental, inquisitive discussion. And now that I've had about a week to ponder, it is feeling like this is required coursework for the next step:  Assertiveness without arrogance. I.e:  discover what the hell happened first before proceeding forward.

Lunch conversation with two friends and another conversation by blackberry messenger (love it, btw) primed me for a ranting about how I expected to find the perfect job.  I vented.  Don't get walked on anymore.  Open mouth.  Interview the employer too.  Make them work for you as much as you work for them.  Demand more. Establish goals.  Do Better.   Modify the path to your liking when at all possible.  Make it yours.  Then I was asked if I was still talking about jobs.

Heh.  Yeah.  Full on job talk.  Right?  Oh wait.  Let me go back.  Hm.  Yeah, I can see that....wow. 

Maybe the year off dating long term commitments will answer the question of why I've thought 'I shouldn't be in a relationship right now....' occassionally in the past few.  Maybe I needed to tag-team the job discussion and the relationship discussion at the same time.  This just feels right.  Well, at least the part of it all that doesn't scare the shit out of me feels right.  Or different. Or maybe just, well, relieving.

I'm already reaping benefits from my relationship hiatus.  I can assure you that I'm riding the emotional roller coaster big time through all the loop-de-loops and hairpin turns, and even though those emotions seem to be straight front in the front of my mind, it's relief and excitement I feel for the future.  The stress, or the weight of commitments that I usually carry, seems removed. 

Probably the greatest thing I have realized is that I can think about and enjoy today.  Taking a break for a year simply means that I don't feel like I have to analyze the future, the what-about-this one long term?  What if this works out?  Is that gonna be a problem?  What if this?  How about that?  That stuff.  Right now time off of the long term thoughts if you will; the analysis of everything except the short term- not even considered.

How comforting.  Enjoy the now.  That might be what all this is about.  A break from my analytical mind analyzing the future.

That way, too, maybe I can have the capacity to evaluate the past.  I need to understand that in order to move forward positively.  There's a pattern there that's not all that merry, at least not for the recent merry-go-rounds that I've ridden.

Lots changing still, a work in constant upgrade, constant update.  At least I still piss in the front and crap out the back; some things can't change, no matter what.  That might be all by the time my mind quits.

That is comforting.