Walking Forward

A week ago I thought things were tough.  And today, I know it was.  And, today, I also know it is still going.

I have actually been talking and trying to figure out where I am in my head, in comparison to where I was in my head five years ago when I had tough times.  I can say that it's not the same in a lot of ways, but it similar in others.  Probably up there in importance is the ability to now be able to break apart things that I couldn' before, and look at things in a different perspective. 

Grief sucks.  It can knock you down when you don't expect.  It can hang out with you when you don't know it is there, and jump out in conversation.   It gets in your mind, and can make your thoughts run.   It can wear your emotions out until they want to take a nap.  Grief makes you tired, blurs your mind, strips you of confidence and motivation, and comes out on a schedule that isn't your schedule, and can embarrass you in public, and in private alike, but only if you let it embarrass.  

This time around, things are different.  Back then, i used the word numb quite often.   I'd say that that same descriptor is applicable, but I feel different.  I feel better.  I feel hopeful.  I feel like this is temporary.

I'm planning.  Can't say I did that last time.  Talking through my feelings (which I learned really helps for me) I came up with a worthy analogy.  I can see the light, and the tunnel.  I just don't know how to start walking.  And so, I'm gonna start learning to walk.

As some of you know, I started a day to day sales opportunity.  And, verification is wonderful.  I do hate walking door to door.  But it's not as bad as I thought, and you do get to meet all kinds of people.  You get to meet the nice animal clinic chick that is hellbent on life, screaming at me as I introduce myself, telling me that she would never buy anything at all from me because the person on the phone that setup the appointment was 'the rudest person she ever talked to.'  Well, I guess she wasn't rude enough herself to tell the person NO on the phone, not verify her address, and waste my time to have me stop in for an appointment.  I guess I could have been a bit more assertive, and tell her that I wouldn't take my dog in to her shop if she was the last animal clinic on the planet.  I wonder if the three people behind that walked in while she was screaming will come back after hey get their pet.

Or how about the lady with the pilates studio.  who was very nice, but blew up at me when I suggested that she could very well give a discount for new customers to come in and experience her classes.  She said she couldn't afford to give a discount to get a new customer.   Or the guy with the nail salon, who told me that he wouldn't make the $20 from a new customer from a gift card that someone else bought for them, he would only make $5, and that wasn't worth it.  Cheers, Henry, good luck on your business, that was completely empty the 2 hours I was there.

I digress.

I did, though, enjoy learning about each business, when the opportunity was there, and that is what kept me going, through the difficult parts that I didn't enjoy.  It also accomplished other things as intended, like giving me something to get out and try and work on, a routine to get out of bed, and getting out and talking to people rather than just sitting on the couch all day.   I do like talking to people, and trying to solve their problems, and help them with whatever issue they happen to be experiencing.

I had an interview yesterday with sales opportunity.  I think it will be good.  And I'm hopeful that this will get me walking foreword.

I have a few more trips to Sanger to make.  I don't think I can get the stuff in just one, but I'm gonna try.   I was having a difficult time deciding whether to go, or rather, when to go.  This weekend seemed to make the most sense, and was gonna make a Saturday Sunday run.  A friend called me at the exact moment I was thinking of her, and we decided to see a good friend on the trip.  I delayed my trip a day so Rachel could come with me, and we're gonna go see Shirley.  She isn't doing well, and this may be the time to visit.

So, I'm taking an opportunity to have someone with me this trip to Dad's.  Rachel agreed to help me load stuff to bring back, and having someone with me this trip will be wonderful.   It's the last round of the sentimental stuff, and hopefully a good portion of the tasks remaining.

Thanks in advance, Rachel.