Emotions and Memories

The past 7 days have felt like a lifetime to me.

I have felt new things, old things, difficult things, and things that just won't go away.  I have these things in huge quantities, and I don't have a clue how to deal with some of them.  So, I just do the best I can, try to take on one thing at a time, experience what I experience, try to keep a positive attitude, and then just try and reflect, redirect, and pick a direction to pursue.

I miss Mom and Dad.  And I just might be experiencing a good portion of grief this week, and this week alone.  For a number of reasons.

I began the week after the Memorial Day weekend, a weekend spent with great people (11 of them) and had a great time.  I left that family, to meet my family, which now consists, not considering my extended family, of my sister, her husband, and their two kids.  It is always good to see them; but this week would prove a very difficult one.

See, Sister and I met to finish cleaning out the home where we grew up.  Our parents, now gone, had left us to finish up the family business in Sanger.  Dad was worried about it, and we just told him we'd take care of things when the time came. 

I will say it has been a very difficult time.  I guess it's a blessing that they only had two of us, as we have pretty much agreed on things in every step of the process thus far.  Decisions like what to do with the house; the car; the chairs, couches and furniture; and all the stuff that really means something sentimental.  Those are the hard things: the things that have value and are priceless things of memories.  The plates on the wall that have been there forever.  The picture that hung on the wall above the fireplace.  The painting in the utility room that scared me as a little boy. 

And knowing that this is the final time to get everything we want.  And realizing we can't take it all, but wanting to anyway.

I have one more load of stuff that I'd like to bring back to Houston.  Well, maybe I'm limiting myself to one more load.  Sister got everything she wanted (less the tractor that will make its way north sometime) and may not be back to the house.  Saying that really hurt this week.  And trying to deal with the realization is hard and hurts at the same time.

We were able to load a 16' Penske truck with all of the items, and drove from Sanger to Denver last Friday.  Straight through.  I personally like driving those big trucks; I drove it from north of Oklahoma City through Kansas, and all the way to Golden, Co.  It was a pleasure.  It gave me something to do. 

Saturday we unloaded.  Pretty uneventful.  Ate some sushi, did some hiking, and then it was time for me to fly back to Dallas on Sunday.  It's hard to speak when you're emotional.  And I didn't say much on Sunday.

Sunday was really hard.  Knowing I was heading back to Sanger alone, to load up my items, and head back to Houston was an experience like none I had experienced before.  I decided to take my time, carefully loading Dad's Chair, a bookcase, and the rest of the boxes that were packed, and hold all those treasures that were worth keeping.

So I was ready to go.  I had a tow dolly to tow back the family car, that is now mine.  And then it hit me. 

I walked across the street to the Fosters, who our family has known forever.  Great friends, excellent neighbors, and those type of people that makes it a joy to have friends.  True friends.   I didn't want to take too much of their time, but it took me, overcome with emotion, ten minutes to ask a simple question:

"Could one of you guys come over and watch me load the car so I don't hurt myself?"

They just let me cry.

And so I did.  And they let me.  And then we talked about how great my parent were, and Mr. Foster told me jokes that Dad had never shared with us.  And then I gave him a hug while he sat, because he has back pain so bad he can't stand.

And so you guys that I've told it will hit me sometime?  Well, it has started.  For a week now. 

I decided about a month ago to start something brand new for a career.  Or a job.  Or something to do to start doing something again.  Not having worked for a few years, and not being excited about anything in particular, I started a contract sales position.  In this month, I have learned both good and bad, what I enjoy about it, and what I dislike horribly.  The first two weeks were fine; this week is absolutely the worst in a very, very long time.  This too will pass.  Sometime.

When you start something new, there is a learning curve.  And when you start a new career, using skills you have yet to develop, and you subject yourself to things that you hate just to confirm or deny them, it is quite difficult.  And it's even more difficult when you are learning every skill needed all at once.   It makes you stronger, though, or at least that's what everyone says.

So those of you close to me, don't fret:  this is a tough time for me.  I will come out of this on the other end stronger than ever before.  But it's gonna be a few.

Love you Mom and Dad.  Love you.  Miss you. 

Your Proud Son.